Why some animals eat their young...

I now know why some animals eat their young.  It's because they won't take a nap.  

There are only two things on this earth (at the current moment) that make me angry, one is stupid drivers and the other is my son when he won't take a nap.  

Being a mom is really hard and quite taxing.  I feed, change, clean up, correct, help, and love on my little ones all day from the second they wake up, and often times all night too.  Come two o'clock or three o'clock in the afternoon, I need a break.  I need to be alone for five minutes.  I need my house to be quiet.  I need everyone to stop crying.  I need to enjoy coffee or iced tea or ice cream in peace, alone.  I need to attend to my disaster of a house.  I need to not have to say, "Please be nice to your sister" or "Please put on your clothes" one more time.  I need to pee, ALONE.  

My children both need naps, every single day.  My chance for aloneness.  My chance to recharge, read, watch TV or pay bills, alone...  I put Annika in her bed, and she goes to sleep.  I put Isaiah in his room, and every single day, for the last year and a half, he cries, whines, wants juice and has to poop AND FIGHTS taking an afternoon nap.  Maybe he's over naptime and doesn't need to sleep, you may wonder, but his attitude tells me - every single day - that he still needs a nap. 

I spent the last hour and a half trying everything in my power to get him to sleep.  I tell him to lay down.  I try to reason with him.  I threaten him with timeouts and spankings.  I tell him I'll give him a special treat.  I ignore him.  I tell him he needs sleep to grow big and strong.  I say that I'll be back to check on him in five minutes.  I tell him not to wake up his sister (who went to bed so easily).  I tell him he will have to go to bed early.  I tell him that everyone needs to sleep.  I tell him his daddy will be home right after nap time.  I try nice words.  I try stern words.  I try spanking him.  I try the pointed finger with the half whispered words through pursed lips.  And I am out of things to try.  I want my son to get the sleep that he needs, and I'm sick and tired of fighting him to get it. 



And I just want to be left alone.  FOR FIVE MINUTES.   (Or for the duration of nap time.)


I'm so incredibly frustrated about our nap time woes.  I hear many people say that their child has never fought nap time.  That I just need to make him sleep.  Then I read that, in America, many of our diagnosed cases of ADHD are - in fact - kids who simply don't get enough sleep.  I am trying everything in my power to get my child to sleep, but he is strong willed and doesn't want to take a nap.  I remember when this all started, he would say, "I no take a nap."  And though his language skills have greatly improved, his desire to take a nap has NOT CHANGED.  

In fact right now, he's sitting in the kitchen half whining and half crying, "Mommy", over and over and over and over and over again.  And I'm angry.  (I probably shouldn't post this on the heels of my last post, all my readers will know I'm an awful angry mother...)  But I'm having one of those days where I envision the "this is your brain on drugs" commercial, where they destroy the kitchen with a frying pan.  I'm so beside myself with anger and frustrated feelings that I want to do that.  I want to break something.  But I actually really don't.  I don't want to be so angry.  I don't want to be so frustrated.  I don't want to hurt my child or myself.  But I still don't know how to get him to sleep.  

It's true that most of the time he will take a nap or go to bed if John or I lay down with him.  I'm not entirely opposed to it, and resort to this tactic often when my "wait five minutes for juice" tactic doesn't work.  John used to be against it, but found that it's one of the only things that doesn't cause a huge fight at bedtime, so he changed his tune.  I honestly want Isaiah to go to bed by himself, to be able to put himself to sleep.  And I hesitate to lay down with him every day at nap time, because then he needs me (or John) to sleep.  And maybe I'm just selfish.  I want him to go to bed alone, so that I can have that extra half hour to myself.  I want to do nothing and surf on the internet and Facebook stalk.  I want to lay on the couch and potentially watch an episode of Law and Order, or even two in a row (unheard of!!) while my kids are sleeping.  Or I want to do the ultimate in selfish behavior, I want to take a shower, without worrying that the kids are destroying something.  

I just want a break.  I need one.  For my sanity.  For my kids to have a good mom.  Honestly, if Isaiah would just stay in his room, and be quiet while Annika sleeps and mommy gets her alone time, we'd be fine!  But thus far, I haven't been able to get him to do the "quiet" part of the "quiet time".  He always seems to need something or seems unable to be quiet when I ask him to be quiet.  Oh, he's plenty quiet when he's up to something...  

I joked to John the other day that I wanted to get a babysitter for every day from 2:30 until 5, so that I didn't have to deal with putting Isaiah to sleep and I could just go to Starbucks, alone.  And then I admitted that it was just me shirking my responsibilities.  It's up to me, as mom, to make sure my son gets the sleep he needs.  But I'm failing.

Maybe I'm so overwhelmed by Isaiah's defiance at naptime, because I just don't have an answer.  I can't make him do what I want.  I haven't found anything (that I want to do and is best for Isaiah ultimately) that works consistently.  Maybe I just need to get over my desire for a shower or Law and Order and continue to lay down with him.  Everyday.  Until he's 16.  Well, hopefully it will end before then, but you never know!  

And to end with proof that my son really is tired, and I'm not just trying to force the nap...  Remember how I said he was in the kitchen crying and whining?  Well, he fell asleep sitting there in the corner in the kitchen, right where I put him.  

 
















So, other mommas, tell me:  What am I doing wrong?  Tell me I'm not the only one going through this.  And tell me what I need to do...  Why am I so flustered?  Why does this make me crazy?  What should I do now?!?  Do I need to change the Feng Shui of his room?  Do I need to tell him different facts about sleep? 

Mother of the Year - A Mother's Day Tale

I am mother of the year.  

Yes, I'm not bashful.  I'm just letting you know.  And why am I mother of the year this time?  (Oh yes, I have deserved this award many times over, by the way.)  Let me just tell you a little Mother's Day story to help you see why I deserve this honor - yet again.  

Just this week, Isaiah and I had a wonderful afternoon that included copious amounts of baby powder on the living room floor, spread around generously by my sneaky three year old while I was attempting to make dinner.  


When I discovered that he had emptied 36 ounces of baby powder on the living room floor and was swimming in it, I did what any good parent of my generation would do...  I took a picture of it.  Then I followed some very small baby powder footprints up the stairs to see what my daughter had gotten into, as she was also way too quiet.  It turns out that she was emptying a package of diapers onto her floor to accompany all of the clothes from her dresser that her brother had already emptied on the floor.  So again (like any good parent), I took a picture.  I sighed, took Annika downstairs, and took one more picture of Isaiah and Annika practicing the backstroke and assigned myself to cleanup duty.  Sigh. 

Out comes the vacuum to sweep up the baby powder.  Because it should be noted that water plus baby powder equals a paste like consistency that sinks into cracks in hardwood floors and won't come out.  Trust me, I know.  When the vacuum came out, the poo hit the fan.  Isaiah (after not taking a nap that day) freaked out because I was cleaning up the mess.  Like started screaming, yelling, shutting off the vacuum, and generally throwing an angry tirade BECAUSE I was cleaning up the baby powder.  I hadn't yelled at him for dumping baby powder, I hadn't said anything at all to either of the kids for the gargantuan messes that they had made.  In fact, I figured that it was my fault for making dinner so late after they were already hungry.  Or perhaps I hadn't given them enough tactile learning opportunities lately, and baby powder on a hardwood floor is just what their curiosity needed.  

But when Isaiah freaked out, I lost it.  I was furious that he was freaking out at ME because I was cleaning up HIS mess.  Furious, angry, mad.  I grabbed him, put him on the stairs (probably rather roughly), and told him he was in time out.  He continued to cry, scream and yell, at the top of his lungs, and began slamming the gate we have at the bottom of the stairs open and shut.  He has done this before, but when he threw the gate down the stairs, I went off the deep end.  I screamed, picked up the gate and threw it on the floor.  Then I took him upstairs to his room and slammed his door.  Three times.  I angrily walked downstairs and continued my cleanup with the vacuum on to try to drown out the screaming, crying and banging coming from his room.

I was so furious at the whole situation.  Baby powder all over the hardwood floor, in the cracks, and fine baby powder dust all over the furniture, area rug, and sofas.  I was trying to not freak out initially, and was honestly worried that baby powder in their lungs was probably a health risk, and needed to be cleaned up ASAP.  But I let the kids play in it a little bit (again, maybe I missed the boat on tactile learning opportunities as of late).  It wasn't just the mess, but rather the mess plus Isaiah's reaction that had me furious.  I had tried to count to three and breathe deeply in the midst of the baby powdered living room, but I was still seeing red.  And in my anger and frustration, I behaved badly.

After Isaiah freaked out in his room alone for a few minutes, and I got most of the mess contained (I have a feeling I'll be finding baby powder in the living room for weeks), I had to talk to Isaiah about his behavior and my over reaction.  I had to apologize to Isaiah for freaking out.  Because while Annika didn't seem to notice or care that mommy was acting like a madwoman, Isaiah certainly knew.  He cried harder when I threw the gate on the floor and I could see the look of fear in his eyes.  Mommy guilt welling up.  I sat him down and I told him I was very sorry for acting the way I did.  I was sorry for getting so angry, sorry for throwing the gate, and sorry for slamming his door.  Three times.  And his reaction to my apology?  He said, "Mommy, it's okay," and gave me a huge teary hug.  Just like he always does when mommy tells him that she's sorry for her sometimes crazed reactions to the very typical antics of a very typical three year old. 

Just like that.  "Mommy, it's okay."  Spoken calmly and with the utmost trust in his mom.  In me, the angry, crazy woman throwing gates and slamming doors.  And the hug.  My sweet little three year old boy couldn't wait to rest his head on my shoulder and hug me tight.  He longs for our relationship to be right, and to love on me.  So short is his memory of my transgression, he won't be holding a grudge against me tomorrow.  So complete, yet simple is his forgiveness.  


The forgiveness of my little guy gave me pause.  It was such a beautiful picture of a much larger truth.  Isaiah's was so quick to forgive me.  He was so sincere and complete in his forgiveness.  He just wanted to be okay with mommy, to hug me and love me and have me hold him.  He didn't want to nurse a grudge, hold on to his anger, or make me jump through hoops to make him feel better.  

Do you see the bigger picture - the picture of the forgiveness of God?  We come to Him, admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness, and, through the sacrifice of Christ, He richly and freely forgives and forgets.  Because of Jesus, we can be forgiven freely, completely, and have our slate wiped clean. 

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9

Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.  Acts 3:19

As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.  Psalm 103:12

He forgets not because he has the mind of a child, but because he chooses to forget (Jeremiah 31:34).  His forgiveness is instant and complete, with no strings attached.  He longs to be in a right relationship with us, not wanting to hold a grudge or hold on to his righteous anger at our sin.  What a beautiful big picture!!  Thank you Isaiah for helping your momma out!

The rest of the day wasn't perfect after my lightbulb forgiveness moment.  Isaiah threw a fit over dinner, and a fit after dinner about needing a bath. But that's how motherhood - and life - goes.  It's messy, it's frustrating, and it's amazing all at the same time.  

So yeah, maybe you guessed I really wasn't mother of the year.  And I never have been.  If anything, I've been nominated for anger management classes.  I'm not perfect.  I'm not even close.  But I'm forgiven.  I'm working on this thing called humility, trying to set my pride aside for long enough to know I need to ask for forgiveness, even if I need to ask my son.  And I hope that maybe someday at least in my son's eyes, I can be the mother of the year.

Graveclothes

It’s almost Easter.  One of my favorite parts of the Easter narrative is the story about Lazarus.  He is one interesting character.  His claim to fame may just be that he died – twice.  Crazy, I know!  There is of course a back story here, and it can be found in the Bible, in John 11.  Go ahead and read it – it’s an amazing story with quite possibly one of the most amazing miracles that Jesus performed.  I always love this miracle for what it evokes in my own life and mind.  First, let me retell the story…

Lazarus, a friend of Jesus, who lives with his sisters Mary and Martha, is sick.  His sisters send word to Jesus that Lazarus is sick and at death's door.  While the message is still in transit to reach Jesus who is staying a day’s travel away, (remember no email, cell phones, or carrier pigeons) Lazarus dies.  His family is in mourning.  They readied his body for burial by wrapping him in graveclothes, and they placed him in a tomb shortly after his death.  Jesus gets the message that Lazarus is sick, and he stays where he is for two more days and then makes the day long journey to visit Lazarus and his sisters.  When Jesus arrives, four days have passed between the death of Lazarus and Jesus’ arrival.  Mary and Martha are distraught, and Jesus weeps.  Then he visits the tomb.  While there, Jesus tells them to open Lazarus’ tomb.  WHAT?!  Martha says, "Hey, he’s been dead for four days.  Seriously, Jesus.  If we open it, there is going to be a stench of all stenches..."  But they open it up, and Jesus calls, "Lazarus, get out here!"  And HE DOES!  Lazarus stumbles out of the tomb, all wrapped up in his graveclothes.  Jesus commands, "Unwrap him and let him go!"  And I’m sure there was much rejoicing as Lazarus is reunited with his sisters in life! 

I love this story, because can I envision myself as Lazarus and in my mind the graveclothes that bind him, also bind me.  There were graveclothes that bound me in spiritual death and destruction before salvation.  Even after Jesus had called me from the tomb in a life-changing moment of salvation, "Alayna, get out here!!", I still was bound up in the graveclothes just like Lazarus.  Thankfully Jesus said, "Unwrap her and let her go!"  And with that, Jesus commanded that I be set me free from the death and destruction that bound me.  Unwrapping the graveclothes in my own life was a process that took time, as Jesus helped me to grow and change in Him.  

Have you ever felt like you had graveclothes on you?    Have you been tangled up in darkness and death?  Maybe you weren’t in danger of physical death, but you felt as though your life was encased in darkness, a heaviness that you couldn't explain.  Like Eeyore with his cloud is your life and the darkness.  Maybe it is activities that you were, or are, caught up in.  Things that lead to physical and spiritual destruction and death: drugs, drinking, sexual escapades, eating disorders, the occult, cutting, and more...  Activities that perhaps at one time you seemed to control, but now they seem to have a life of their own.  There is a dark heaviness that is in your life, breathing down your neck, threatening a hostile takeover and binding you in death and destruction.

Maybe you have no clue what I am talking about, because you’ve lived the life free from outwardly dark activities.  Maybe for you, the destructive behavior is more subtle: perfectionism, pride, the need to be right, the need to be thin, the desire for perfect children, the need to be liked and so on.   Things that even seemed like a good idea at the time, but have since turned into pursuits that seem to control you and bind you.  The New Year's resolution to lose five pounds that has turned into something that decides what you eat (nothing), where you spend your time (the gym), and what you think about (food or the lack thereof).  

Do you have graveclothes in your life that hold you in darkness, death, and control your life?  The truth is that when we trust in Jesus for our salvation, we have crossed over from death to life (John 5:24), and we are free from spiritual death.  But sometimes our lives still seem to be wrapped up in the graveclothes, which need to be taken off.  Thankfully, Jesus commands “Unbind her, and let her go!”  He proclaims freedom for the captives and the oppressed (Luke 4:18) and says that we are a new creation in Him (2 Corinthians 5:17).  As we grow in Him, learn His truths found in the bible, and participate in relationships and community, we are transformed and the graveclothes are unbound.  Thank You, Jesus!  

What are the graveclothes in your life?  What binds you up in death?  What occupies your mind?  Is it the things of Christ or is it anything but?  What do you spend your time on?  Is it things with eternal value or things to distract you from God?  Identify the things that bind you up, and keep you from Christ.  Confess them to God and ask for His help and freedom from the graveclothes.