So, this is a picture of my baby belly. I am 35 weeks pregnant with a little girl. Thirty-five weeks along in a pregnancy where 40 weeks equals the end. I'm so close to done, 5 weeks until 40 weeks, and only 32 days until my scheduled C-section. Time is drawing to a close and in many ways, I am mortified. I know what you are saying, I can hear it... "What do you mean, mortified?! Isn't this a beautiful, happy place to be?! What's wrong with you?!?" (Cue facial expressions of horror and disgust.) Okay, okay, let me explain.
I am mortified. Scared. Petrified even. I am frightened about the future and all it holds in this moment. Surely, I am excited to meet our little girl, curious about what she looks like, and longing to hold her in my arms. These things are true, but it's also true that this new step in our lives brings with it a lot of fear and trepidation. So many things will change for us. We will be going from one child to two children, and this may not seem like such a large leap. But a child will change your life, period. No more late nights hanging out with friends until 3:00 am. No more doing whatever you want whenever you want just cause you feel like it. No more blowing your money on new electronics, unnecessary clothing and shoe binges, and random fun toys that you feel like having. Your life is now subject to the needs of a tiny, helpless little being. And more than one tiny helpless little being, well, I can't even go there yet! And maybe more of this applies just to mommies, which can be another sore subject when you are the momma. But for new parents, a child will change your life.
With one child who is now nearly 2 years old, the initial shock of the change from zero to one child has given way to a routine. And we are quite comfortable with that routine, but it has taken a few years to arrive here. When Isaiah was born, the first few months were very tough. Very, very tough. He cried and cried, and I cried and cried, and he and I both cried some more. Poor John. I'm not sure whether Isaiah had colic or not, but he was a month early, had trouble feeding, and cried a lot. His crying and my inability to console him made me a miserable mommy, and I began to understand the desperation and frustration that leads to shaken baby syndrome. I never shook my child, and I would rather die than ever, ever hurt a beautiful little baby, but I could now understand why it happens. The experience also filled me with a deep compassion for single moms, and I wondered how they did what they did. I needed John so much, and needed help so much, I wasn't sure how anyone could do this mothering thing, or do this mothering thing alone. I wondered if I could do this mothering thing, if I was really cut out for it. Maybe I'd have been better off being a career woman and a wife, but a mom?? I wondered.
Fast forward two years. I made it through the first few months, and even began to feel like I could do a good job being mom to Isaiah. We have our routine, and we are doing alright. But now that we are going to be disrupting that comfortable routine with another baby, I'm mortified and filled with fears and doubts all over again. What if I can't handle two? What if she cries a lot? What if I'm just not good at this mothering thing with more than one? What if I mess up? What if I fail? Beyond the self doubt and numerous questions about my own abilities or lack thereof, come other changes and questions. What will I do from here? Am I going to be a stay at home mom (SAHM)? Or am I going back to work in a few months? Can I even succeed at being a SAHM?? Will I go crazy being home alone with two kids all day, every day? Or will my mind dissolve from lack of adult interaction into a puddle of melted popsicles and lukewarm breastmilk? Oh, the questions?!? And then beyond the capability to stay home comes the question of necessity. Can we even make it on one salary? Do we need my income to supplement and make ends meet? My mind wants to escape at this point, and there is no delaying the inevitable. My baby girl, Annika Ruth, will arrive no later than October 25, 2011. End of story. She may even come before that, as my husband and some of my friends postulate. Any which way you look at it, I will have to deal with the questions, fears, and doubts and deal with them soon. They will not go away, they will not disappear, they will not hide. What is a woman to do?
I know what I NEED to do. Do you ever know what you need to do, and not do it for fear of what you may hear? Or not do it because you aren't even sure what you want to hear? I know I need to go to God. I know I need to seek His face. I know that He alone knows the answers. I know that He alone can calm my fears. I know. The Lord says many, many times in the Bible not to fear, so surely, He is speaking to the heart of humanity. He knows we fear the unknown, but He promises to be with us through it. So what am I waiting for? Why haven't I been on my knees praying and in my Bible reading and seeking? I'm really not sure, maybe I'm just trying to do it on my own or figure it out apart from Him. Not the best solution, but likely the most human. Time to set my humanity aside, and seek the One who knows the answers to all of the fears and questions that I have. It sounds like I have some seeking and praying to do. God speak, cause I'll be trying to listen...
Popular posts from this blog
Isaiah has a newfound joy for story telling. He asks John and I to tell him stories, and he also enjoys retelling stories that he hears and loves. So we have told him the story of how mommy and daddy met, the story of when he was born and when his sister was born, and about the time that he drove mommy crazy when he was a colicky infant and wouldn’t stop crying in the backseat when mommy was stuck in rush hour traffic on Route 51. That one was a nailbiter... ;) Just a few weeks ago, while he was taking a bath, he asked me to tell him a story, a new story. And, well, I remembered a whale of a tale that he hadn't heard yet. It just so happens that this story began eight years ago, one day late in August. It’s a crazy story about a young woman who walked out in front of a minivan that was going at least 25 miles an hour. She got hit, flew 35 feet in the air like a rag doll, landed in oncoming traffic, and survived to live another day. But she was b
Now there are many people who rarely post on Facebook but read posts all day long. They are the proverbial fly on the wall in the room that is Facebook. Listening and watching for something juicy. And if we are all honest, we can admit we have done it too. We too have come across something juicy and called our husband or a friend to let them know the trainwreck that just happened. And if you haven't ever done this, I suppose you either are really holy, or you don't have Facebook. Just the other day, I had the privilege of running into a heated rant on leaving your kids in the car. The rant was pretty emphatic about how people shouldn't leave their kids in the car, even to do a small task that would require the parent to walk away from the car for even five minutes, such as pick up another child at school. And it got heated when another parent said that they did indeed leave their kids in the car to pick up another child from school, but that the doors are locked
Sex, erotica, mommy porn, BDSM, intimacy, kinky sex, and fantasies. If you consider yourself a Christian, you probably are blushing. These topics are generally not discussed in many church settings. Growing up in a mainline denomination, my church seemed pretty silent on sex and any surrounding topic, except the one sex rule - "don't do it". Not up for discussion or conversation or even explanation, it was pretty much a forbidden topic. Nevermind anything kinky. It's apparent that the church still isn't talking enough about sex or erotica, because when the "mommy porn" book series, Fifty Shades of Grey came out, o ver 70 million copies were sold in the first year, making it the fastest selling books of all time. Many who partook in the reading surely identified themselves as Christian women, whether they were teens to moms and even grandmas. When no one is talking in church circles about "how to better your sex life", how to get y