Monday, August 19, 2013

A Week of Tears...

I have now cried most of my week away.  Staying up late crying.  Crying with the kids at home.  Crying while I'm cleaning.  And just so everyone knows, it's not because I'm pregnant...

John is looking to make a career move that would include purchasing two car washes.  In Youngstown, OH.  

It's a two hour drive from here, and he doesn't want to drive four hours a day forever.  So he wants to move closer to Youngstown.  Outside of Youngstown, or in Jamestown or Greenville, PA, where my parents are, are all places we could move to.

And I'm devastated.  Absolutely heartbroken to the point of tears.  

I love my community and the people we live life with now.  I hate change.  I love Pittsburgh.  I love my church.  I love my friends.  My friends' kids are awesome friends for my kids.  I love where we live.  There are hundreds of cool cultural attractions nearby.  I go to a great MOPS group and there are a bunch of other great mom's groups around.  Did I mention that I really love my friends?!  I love that we have things like CSAs, the Strip District, the Point, the Steelers, the Penguins, and even things like lacrosse at our high schools.   

I remember my hometown.  And maybe I'm just scarred from my high school experience, but it wasn't so amazing.  We have visited churches in the area when we went to my parents, but we haven't liked a single church we have gone to.  And there were no homeschoolers.  Okay, only one family.  And everyone thought they were weird.

I feel like God has called me to homeschool my kids, and so that would make us that one homeschool family in the town, that one family that everyone thinks is weird.  


It's a dying area, with a shrinking population.  So what are the chances that there will be other likeminded families nearby who love Jesus, have kids near the same age, and are suitable friends, and maybe even homeschool, too?  

I'm feeling lonely and depressed already and we haven't even moved yet.

Everything about moving makes me upset. And everything I try to console myself with just makes me more upset.  The only thing that makes me not cry is when I think that maybe we won't move at all or we will only move to another area of Pittsburgh.


We went to South Park the other night, and there were a ton of people out enjoying the gorgeous early fall weather.  And instead of enjoying the park, I was thinking about how there are rarely any people in the only park in Greenville.  I guess I can say goodbye to friends for my kids to play with.  And goodbye to playtimes with random moms and kids in the park.  And goodbye to friends for me.  

Or I thought maybe we can get a big house on a big piece of land, so we can have some space.  And then I thought, "Great, a big house to be lonely in - by myself."  Depressing.

Even the fact that there isn't a Target or nice mall within 45 minutes of the area makes me teary eyed.  It sounds stupid, but it bums me out.   

John already works lots of hours.  Being sole proprietor of a car wash will add to the hours that he works.  So what does it matter if I'm near to Youngstown or near to Pittsburgh, he still won't be done early enough to help me with the kids or have a nice family dinner night.  Maybe I'll just stay in Pittsburgh, where at least I have friends I can make playdates with, stores where I can shop for local and organic produce or put my kids in the Eagle's Nest, and even mall play areas and parks with other kids for my kids to play with.  Because I don't have any of that in Greenville.  

All I can do is cry and be upset at John.  

He feels like God is directing him in this venture.  And for me, that just compounds my misery.  As a teen, I felt that God's job was to make me miserable.  While I know that God's plan and purpose in our lives is to live in relationship with us and to bring glory to Himself, my heart isn't hearing that message.  I feel like I'm a teenager again and God is trying to make me miserable, and my heart is broken.  

My mind knows all the pat little messages that others may say to try to make me feel better, like "God's plan is best" and "God will provide" and "just trust God in this" and "it's not about you, it's about God" and more.  But my heart doesn't understand.  And maybe doesn't even want to hear it right now.   

I want to live out my journey through motherhood with my best friends, for our kids to play together, for us to do coffee dates and birthday Thai dates - together.  I want to do amazing homeschool field trips through the neighborhoods of Pittsburgh, learning while we explore it's history and myriad museums.  I want to have an awesome group of MOPS moms I can count on for advice, help, and comfort through the ups and downs of motherhood.  I want to homeschool with my best friend, I can take math and science while she gets creative arts.  I want to have ice skating nearby on an amazing outdoor rink for my kids, all winter long, where they could even pursue ice hockey if they were interested.  I want to have three Starbucks locations within fifteen minutes of me, two with drive throughs. 


And nothing is looking like anything that I had envisioned for the future.  For my future.  For my kids' futures.  For my family's future.   

I feel like I'm destined to being alone.  John will be working and I'll be home with kids, without friends and my kids will be without friends.  And it will suck. 

I know that if I am committed to following Christ, life isn't about me.  But sometimes I just wonder if what I want, what I feel is important to my health and well being, what I think my kids need, matters at all. Can God provide in all of these areas?  Yes.  But I'm pretty certain it will be inferior to what I have now.  Is that true?  My mind knows that it may not be true, but that doesn't change how I feel.  And even if it is true, I'm not sure how it could really be better than what I have now.  

Right now, I can't see through my sadness now to see any sort of bigger, better plan.  It may be out there, and it may be good, but it certainly doesn't feel that way.  

My heart is still broken and all I can do is cry again.  

4 comments:

  1. Sorry Alayna! Change is hard & You have every right to feel sad! I know that you'll end up where you are meant to be and it will all work out. Try to smile a little and find the good things in all of this, even though I know that's really difficult.

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  2. It is certainly scary, but what if your mission from God in this transition is to be the one to bring those things you love so much to this new area. At some point previously there was a trailblazer in the area you've fallen in love with today.

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  3. I have for sure been there. In my oldest daughter's 5 little years of life we have moved 6 times. Not every move was a huge one, but some for sure were. We have left behind friends and family, routines and favorite play spots, beautiful island weather, and many many more amazing aspects in life. Here are a few things that I have learned through all of the losses and also gains. Home is wherever your family can be together. While yes I loved my Hawaii home and I would so so so love to return one day, right now I am just so grateful that my husband gets to come home to me almost every night. This wasn't always the case and it still isn't the case for many of my dear friends. Friends are friends no matter the distance. Things will be different for sure, but there is nothing like a conversation that picks up where you last left off and doesn't miss a beat. Also, nothing beats those amazing once a great while get togethers where kids play and moms rekindle the friendship that never lost its spark no matter the distance or the time apart. Great things can come from a move and God works in really cool ways. When my husband and I moved down here we knew no one. We actually didn't even for sure have a house until 2 days after we got here yet on day 3 after attending the meeting of a mops group I had looked up before we moved Byron and I attended our first Wednesday night service at what is now our home church. We have met and developed relationships with some amazing people who wrapped us in love and encouragement through my miscarriage and now through the burst pipe in our house. They are the friends I didn't know that I needed until I met them. God may not work as quickly as you want or in the ways that you want, but trust me when I say that if you allow him to move in your life that you will never be disappointed with the end result. Finally, there comes a point when we have to trust that God will either change the situation or He will change our hearts. In order to feel at peace with whichever result it may be, we have to be willing to let him do either. I will be praying for you that God will work a great an mighty work and that whatever his will is, whether it be to change your situation or to change your heart that you will be at peace and fully prepared for the chapter that is ahead of you.

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  4. Maybe its because I never COMPLETELY left the area (only in Hermitage and Mercer) but Greenville ISN'T that bad. No, you don't have anything imaginable right at your fingertips but you also don't have the city traffic and prices. I know you've been to our church before but not sure who the pastor was - one left then we had an interim and now our current pastor - I absolutely LOVE our pastor! There are a MILLION kids in our church and it keeps growing (9 babies last year and 3 more babies this year). We are expanding and it breaks Ron's and my heart to be looking to move to Cranberry b/c we don't want to leave our church...we want to be a part of the expansion! We thought we had that opportunity when Ron had a possible work from home job but that didn't pan out and he's still where he was....driving an hr (or more with traffic/construction) every day ONE WAY! What I'd give for him to have a quick commute...earlier family dinners so he has more time to play with his baby girl before she's too old and doesn't care about mom and dad.

    Our parents are here (Hadley/Greenville), our church is here, our (few) friends are here...we prefer small town life where we can have the land and be away from neighbors - but his job is there...in Wexford...near the city...with chaos...that's not us! I'm willing to make the move and change as God sees is right for us b/c I want more time with my husband...I want more family time...I don't want him to dread getting in the car to go somewhere b/c he spends over a month every year just sitting in his car!

    I know you like it down there, you have your church, friends, groups, parks, any restaurant imaginable, etc...but think of the family time John would have with you and the kids if he had less of a drive. You wouldn't be so lonely then. :) The other things will take getting used to from what you have now but really, its not that bad up here! :) I promise.

    Hang in there...keep praying...but be aware of what your prayer really is...I've learned that over the years. And always remember, whatever God's plan is, is truly the best for us!

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