A Week of Tears...
John is looking to make a career move that would include purchasing two car washes. In Youngstown, OH.
It's a two hour drive from here, and he doesn't want to drive four hours a day forever. So he wants to move closer to Youngstown. Outside of Youngstown, or in Jamestown or Greenville, PA, where my parents are, are all places we could move to.
And I'm devastated. Absolutely heartbroken to the point of tears.
I love my community and the people we live life with now. I hate change. I love Pittsburgh. I love my church. I love my friends. My friends' kids are awesome friends for my kids. I love where we live. There are hundreds of cool cultural attractions nearby. I go to a great MOPS group and there are a bunch of other great mom's groups around. Did I mention that I really love my friends?! I love that we have things like CSAs, the Strip District, the Point, the Steelers, the Penguins, and even things like lacrosse at our high schools.
I remember my hometown. And maybe I'm just scarred from my high school experience, but it wasn't so amazing. We have visited churches in the area when we went to my parents, but we haven't liked a single church we have gone to. And there were no homeschoolers. Okay, only one family. And everyone thought they were weird.
I feel like God has called me to homeschool my kids, and so that would make us that one homeschool family in the town, that one family that everyone thinks is weird.
It's a dying area, with a shrinking population. So what are the chances that there will be other likeminded families nearby who love Jesus, have kids near the same age, and are suitable friends, and maybe even homeschool, too?
I'm feeling lonely and depressed already and we haven't even moved yet.
Everything about moving makes me upset. And everything I try to console myself with just makes me more upset. The only thing that makes me not cry is when I think that maybe we won't move at all or we will only move to another area of Pittsburgh.
We went to South Park the other night, and there were a ton of people out enjoying the gorgeous early fall weather. And instead of enjoying the park, I was thinking about how there are rarely any people in the only park in Greenville. I guess I can say goodbye to friends for my kids to play with. And goodbye to playtimes with random moms and kids in the park. And goodbye to friends for me.
Or I thought maybe we can get a big house on a big piece of land, so we can have some space. And then I thought, "Great, a big house to be lonely in - by myself." Depressing.
Even the fact that there isn't a Target or nice mall within 45 minutes of the area makes me teary eyed. It sounds stupid, but it bums me out.
John already works lots of hours. Being sole proprietor of a car wash will add to the hours that he works. So what does it matter if I'm near to Youngstown or near to Pittsburgh, he still won't be done early enough to help me with the kids or have a nice family dinner night. Maybe I'll just stay in Pittsburgh, where at least I have friends I can make playdates with, stores where I can shop for local and organic produce or put my kids in the Eagle's Nest, and even mall play areas and parks with other kids for my kids to play with. Because I don't have any of that in Greenville.
All I can do is cry and be upset at John.
He feels like God is directing him in this venture. And for me, that just compounds my misery. As a teen, I felt that God's job was to make me miserable. While I know that God's plan and purpose in our lives is to live in relationship with us and to bring glory to Himself, my heart isn't hearing that message. I feel like I'm a teenager again and God is trying to make me miserable, and my heart is broken.
My mind knows all the pat little messages that others may say to try to make me feel better, like "God's plan is best" and "God will provide" and "just trust God in this" and "it's not about you, it's about God" and more. But my heart doesn't understand. And maybe doesn't even want to hear it right now.
I want to live out my journey through motherhood with my best friends, for our kids to play together, for us to do coffee dates and birthday Thai dates - together. I want to do amazing homeschool field trips through the neighborhoods of Pittsburgh, learning while we explore it's history and myriad museums. I want to have an awesome group of MOPS moms I can count on for advice, help, and comfort through the ups and downs of motherhood. I want to homeschool with my best friend, I can take math and science while she gets creative arts. I want to have ice skating nearby on an amazing outdoor rink for my kids, all winter long, where they could even pursue ice hockey if they were interested. I want to have three Starbucks locations within fifteen minutes of me, two with drive throughs.
And nothing is looking like anything that I had envisioned for the future. For my future. For my kids' futures. For my family's future.
I feel like I'm destined to being alone. John will be working and I'll be home with kids, without friends and my kids will be without friends. And it will suck.
I know that if I am committed to following Christ, life isn't about me. But sometimes I just wonder if what I want, what I feel is important to my health and well being, what I think my kids need, matters at all. Can God provide in all of these areas? Yes. But I'm pretty certain it will be inferior to what I have now. Is that true? My mind knows that it may not be true, but that doesn't change how I feel. And even if it is true, I'm not sure how it could really be better than what I have now.
Right now, I can't see through my sadness now to see any sort of bigger, better plan. It may be out there, and it may be good, but it certainly doesn't feel that way.
My heart is still broken and all I can do is cry again.