Confessions of a Wanna Be Godly Momma
In reality, it's been more than that. I have been angry with my son. Like, wanted to smack him across the face, angry. I didn't, because I don't think it's right to do, but there were a few times that I really, really wanted to, and had to stop and breathe to avoid doing something stupid. I have screamed at my children. Like, I wonder if the neighbors have concerns about what is going on, screamed. I almost always apologize, but that's hardly the best way to conduct myself when they drive me nuts, scream and then say I'm sorry. I have slammed doors, and wanted to throw things, expensive things, loud things. I have been frustrated. I have been at the end of myself.
While me using the f-word in my head and in a text message may or may not seem like a big deal to you, let me frame it like this. I seek to serve a God Who is holy, and that means sacred or virtuous (among other things). And He says, "Be holy, therefore, as I am Holy." So there you have it, epic fail. And if that's not enough His word says, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." Ouch. Yeah, the overflow of my heart contains the f-word. That is not a good sign. I guess you could say that most of the instances that used the f-word were conversations in my head, therefore, it didn't *really* come out of my mouth, but I think that's more of a technicality. The point is that the overflow of my heart is not looking very holy.
I guess it's been a rough week. I feel like my children are tag teaming me. Annika has just cut another tooth, her second. And she bit me while nursing five times in one day. While this may not seem like part of a "rough week", I'll have you know that sharp, brand new teeth + boob = really, really, really painful situation. Really painful. Like I wanna cry, really painful, and I tend to have a rather high tolerance for pain. The kids have both gotten a virus, and as a result they are not sleeping well, are extra whiny, and just don't feel good. Isaiah has been having continuous naptime showdowns with me, and pushes my patience and edge of sanity every time. I'll start the road to our afternoon nap at 2:00 pm telling Isaiah it's time for his nap. Well, he doesn't want to. I want to borrow Rhett Butler's classic line every time, but I know that it's all lost on him any way so I push on. He hems and haws, he cries and carries on, he drags his feet and has to go tinkle many times after I tell him "good night". And it drags on. He gets defiant, and I start the "get into your bed by the count of three" and spankings ensue. And his defiance grows. And I am tired. And want a freaking nap.
Then last Thursday, everyone staged a naptime coup, and at 4:00 pm everyone was still awake, despite my best efforts for at least two hours. Annika bit me, I screamed, which made her cry, while Isaiah was sobbing in his room, not wanting to nap. So we all ended up having a good crying. And I tried to call John in my anger and frustration. I would have had choice words for him through my tears, wishing he could help me, but no answer, so alas, the text message fraught with the f-word.
My point and concern is this, the overflow of my heart is something I need to keep an eye on. And it's obvious that I'm not doing a very good job keeping my side of the street clean in as far as my heart. I'm told to guard my heart as it is the well spring of life in Proverbs 4:23. Or in another version of the bible, guard my heart above all else for it determines the course of my life. Guard it. Like a city park or a walled city, diligently keep watch, keeping out the riffraff, and only letting in the good, wholesome, pure, and wonderful things.
So what on earth have I been up to, letting in riffraff like daytime television and 50 Shades of Gray? No, that hasn't been the issue here. The issue is that I'm not pro-actively filling my heart and life with all the good, wholesome, pure and wonderful things that I need. I need to be more diligent -- in prayer, in reading God's love letter, in living my day, minute by minute, for God. And God will continue to make me holy and set apart for Him, through my obedience to Him. Along with being holy, God develops other character qualities in our lives, like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control, all things I could really use as a wanna be godly momma. There was a day that I was really holy, and then I got married. And then I had kids. And life got busy, and my priorities got out of whack. I need to realign my priorities, putting God first, always. Filling my life and my heart with the good things, because that will determine the course of my life. And I always want the course of my life to be becoming more holy and more like Jesus, the Savior and God that I serve.
And maybe, just maybe, my husband won't have angry phone calls and text messages from a stressed out, overwhelmed, and frazzled wife to deal with quite as often.